Kids are born believing they can do anything. Remember the day your baby took his first steps?
A golden moment you’ll cherish forever. He would topple over again and again, but always got back up until, one day, he walked on his own. As he beamed at you, the triumph in his eyes said ‘I did that! I’m amazing!’
It takes confidence to be a kid. They face a constant stream of uncharted territory: going to a new school, learning to play as a team member, stepping up to bat for the first time, right up to when they first stay away from home. As parents we want them to have enough self-belief to bravely take on and embrace these new challenges.
It’s crushing for Mum and Dad as they witness a change in their little one. Somewhere along the line, after taking those first tentative steps, he goes out into the world and loses that unwavering belief in his inner abilities, leaving Mum and Dad asking ‘What on earth is he afraid of?’.
There is however no easy way of improving a child’s self-esteem. A trip to Waterstones will offer a million choices of how to books, mostly emphasising the importance of positive interaction between parents, teachers and children. All very valuable advice - but - if only it were that simple. In my experience as a mum of three, there are no silver bullets.
Much of a child’s ability to cope with life’s ups and downs is determined by their temperament. There are some kids who, regardless of the cards life has dealt them, will stride forward, unperturbed. Yet there are others who, for no obvious reason, forever play uphill and against the wind. Can the difference really be down to how much they were cuddled as a babe?
Children measure how well they are doing from the reactions of those around them, so it makes sense that the baby who is held and cuddled will grow more secure knowing that he is valued and loved.
However, when Mum and Dad are no longer the centre of their universe, things become more complicated as the reactions they encounter are not always positive ones. Whether they begin to worry about non-problems, such as not having the right brand of jeans, or have genuine concerns about their ability, appearance, body size or being liked, their worries are real and can distort the way they see themselves out of all proportion.
So what can we as parents do to try to make our kids as well rounded, happy and confident as they need to be in today’s competitive and challenging world?
It’s important to start young. Children who are treated as special, feel special. A little person needs a listener, a comforter, a responder and an encourager.
How lucky is the toddler who has an unhurried grandparent to listen in wonderment to her tongue-tied ramblings? As granny laughs along at her uproarious wit and delights in her observations, granny makes her granddaughter feel like a legend in her own little lifetime. It’s powerful stuff. Feeling secure and important to those a little one values most will set the foundation for healthy esteem later on.
Listening is important as they grow older too, for them to feel valued. That means really listening, ie. making them feel that what they have to say is valuable. Even though at times the temptation to switch off may be overwhelming as they rattle on and wallow in such trivia that your brain starts to ache. Let them know that you’ve listened, which they’ll know you haven’t if you offer a bland and empty ‘well done,’ ‘that’s good, or ‘aren’t you clever,’ in reply. Pick up on specific bits and they’ll know you’re genuinely interested.
Every child needs to feel good at something. Achievement is a high-octane fuel for building confidence. It’s up to Mum and Dad to seek out activities in which their children can succeed and focus on what their child is good at, rather than what she can’t do. And, remember that a child is not a mini-me. She may well find a talent for something that seems utterly boring to you. But if she’s good at it, she’s bound to like it and crave for more, so it’s as well for you to be there to cheer her on.
In our desperation for them to fulfil their potential, our well meant praise can sometimes, unintentionally, be worse than no praise at all. Avoid reverse praise statements such as: ‘That was fantastically well done, but if you had swum a little faster, you would have come first!’.
‘You’ statements can be damaging and hurtful too. True, children can drive us to the edge of mental destruction and when they do it’s easy to snap and shout ‘You’ve destroyed the day,’ ‘grow up,’ or ‘you’re stupid, don’t talk to me.’ However, as testing as these situations are, it’s the behaviour we dislike, not the child.
To sort things out it’s better to focus on the behaviour or state how you feel, rather than how they annoy you. For example ‘hitting is naughty,’ can be much more effective than ‘you are so naughty.’ Or, ‘It upsets me when our friends see this behaviour,’ rather than ‘you ruined it for everybody.’
It’s difficult, this parenting thing, and the very best of Mums and Dads will get it wrong sometimes. But that’s okay. It’s okay to be wrong. The trick is to learn from our mistakes – a valuable lesson for any youngster. To hear Mum or Dad say ‘I was wrong. I made a mistake. Next time I’ll do it differently,’ will teach them not to fear failure and understand that when they make a mistake they’ll be supported and encouraged to try again.
Helping our kids to find their own way in the world is challenging, exhausting and at times utterly terrifying. But then, all of the greatest adventures are. The bottom line is that a child will be more self-confident if they feel that their parents actually enjoy their company. They will see that they are unique, that they are special, that they are, in fact, amazing.
