Say the word ‘sibling’ and ‘rivalry’ will trip off the tongue without you having to think. Don’t choose our family, so isn’t it reasonable to expect that sometimes brothers and sisters won’t get on?
For most, time with siblings is a mixture of; fun, play, pinching, poking and minor squabbles. There are some though, for whom brother or sisterly battles are the stuff of Jeffrey Archer novels. When that happens, who’s at fault? Is it the parents? Or could the problem lie with one sibling having a dodgy disposition? Or, is it in-fact, behaviour hard-wired into the human DNA?
It’s a problem as old as humanity itself. Remember poor old Joseph, cast out by his brothers just because daddy gave him a smart coat? And it’s not a problem restricted to toddlerhood or adolescence either. Noel and Liam Gallagher have had some spectacular spats over the years.
David Attenborough might tell us that sibling rivalry is not restricted to humankind, but that it’s just the way of the natural world. Think of how often we’ve seen him filming the rough and tumble of a group of lion cubs, explaining that this kind of play helps prepare them for the wild. A little lion that fights with his brothers and sisters, Sir Attenborough would point out is more likely to survive in the hostile adult world. Nature can give us brutal examples of sibling rivalry that would make Cane and Abel appear tame. For example, to ensure he gets all that mum can provide, when still in the womb, the biggest baby shark will devour all of his brothers and sisters. And, in the towering height of their nest, the first born baby eaglet will kill his siblings by pushing them overboard the moment they hatch.
For us humans, the resources we crave from mum and dad are time, attention, love and approval and, if necessary, we’ll fight to get them. Receiving all four in bucket-loads is probably not going to be an issue for the only child. However, the more the brothers and sisters, the more stretched the mum and dad. Family photo albums can often tell a tale. There may be many pictures of the birth and first year of the first-born, for the second child slightly less and for the third – well, you may have to search a little.
But although we might be able to accept that sibling rivalry is normal, to ignore it might run the risk of blood on the carpet. So, as the brief for both prosecution and defence, what should a worried parent do?
First of all, when voices are raised and one teenager spits to his sibling ‘is that a spot or are you growing another nose,’ or ‘that dress would make a great tent,’ try to establish if this a real fight, or just banter. Sometimes non-intervention is better than rushing in like the United Nations. Learning to resolve teasing and conflict first hand is a difficult lesson but one that will prepare them for life, just like the lion cubs.
If things get out of hand, rather than adjudicate, ask them how they might sort things out. If you’re hitting a brick wall, ‘three strikes and you’re out’ can be effective: First ask ‘how are you going to put this right?’ If that fails say ‘I expect this to be resolved in one minute or you’ll be sent to your rooms.’ And, if that fails too, ‘both go to your rooms.’ There will be times when intervention is required from the outset and it’s necessary to calm the combatants with something like ‘I know you’re angry with George right now, but you cannot hit him with a stick.’ Establishing limits might not stop the fights, but they let kids know where they stand and what behaviour is acceptable. Boundaries such as ‘this toy is your brother’s. It cannot be touched without his permission,’ also work well.
Power struggles and fights are often borne out of boredom, when there’s not much going on what can be better than a taunt or a dig at your brother or sister? Avoidance tactics such as keeping them busy, especially during the holidays, are always a winner. Often a skirmish is a manoeuvre to get attention. When you steam in like the cavalry be mindful that rewarding them with the attention they seek will only encourage further attention seeking fights. In the heat of the moment it can be tough to sort the goodies from the baddies and hard not to take more notice of the one who shouts the loudest. But if you get it wrong, don’t beat yourself up, be calm, apologise and move on, so showing them that problems can be coped with and resolved peacefully.
When war at home is turning nuclear and you’re tired of constantly being required to judge and umpire, remember that when the chips are down, when a brother or sister is ill or in trouble, their concern and love for each other will surface. How often it is that you see them band together when mum’s on the rampage. After all, try saying ‘brotherly’ without following it up with ‘love’.
